We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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