took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
