There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
