I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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