im drinking this country out of the recession.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
