mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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