Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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