I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i will never coherently bang her
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
