I cockslap morals
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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