my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
