It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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