Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
