Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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