i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
