hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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