i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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