I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
