I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
