I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
