I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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