covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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