I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
