I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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