Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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