she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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