I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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