So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
there is puke in my bra ... again
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