JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
