Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
