I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
