he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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