Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
