I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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