Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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