So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
