i'm lost and i look like a hooker
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
