Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
