Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
