Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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