so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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