I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
