Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
