Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
