i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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