I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
