How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
