Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
