Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
