I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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