god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
