he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
