I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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