I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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