I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We have started to decorate penises.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
