I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize