Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
