Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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