In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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