It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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