I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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