I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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