The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
