What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
